Poems

The Liberal Christ
Gives an Interview

I would have walked on the water
But I wasn’t fully insured
And the BMA sent a writ my way
With the very first leper I cured.

Would’ve preached a golden sermon
But I didn’t like the look of the Mount
And I would’ve fed fifty thousand
But the Press wasn’t there to count.

And the businessmen in the temple
Had a team of coppers on the door
And if I’d spent a year in the desert
I’d have lost my pension for sure.

I would’ve turned the water into wine
But they weren’t giving licences
And I would have died and been crucified
But like – you know how it is.

I’m going to shave off my beard
And cut my hair
Buy myself some bullet-proof
underwear
I’m the Liberal Christ
And I’ve got no blood to spare.

Money Talks

You can say what you like, I know you love me.
I’m loved ... internationally.
Internationally loved,
And I got more power, more power than –
All the people and all the weather put together.
Yuh. I screw everyone. Ask anyone.
‘Who screws you?’ ‘Money screws me.’
I screwed ’em all. Internationally.
And you, I, I know you love me
And you better, you better love me a lot
Or I’ll just leave you, yuh, just walk out like that,
Yuh. I happen to be
The famous all-time international screwing champion
So you better love me. Better show a little ... respect.